so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
