Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
