i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
