My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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