I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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