I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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