I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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