I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
