i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
