this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
