I murdered the dance floor call the cops
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
