I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
