Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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