if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
