Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
