if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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