I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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