That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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