Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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