Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
