I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
