Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
