stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
