just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
