And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
