i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
