Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
