It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
