I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
