I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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