hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
