My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
