Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
