Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
