I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
