i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
vagina is talking i cant
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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