So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
