I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
