dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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