I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
