nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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