oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
