im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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