Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
