he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
