I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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