I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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