I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
