I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
