My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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