go do what you do best...puke behind churches
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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