can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
